How Do I Feel At This Moment?

At the beginning of my self discovery journey, I came across Aileen Xu's Lavendaire podcast, youtube channel and blog. Something that stood out for me, was Aileen's post on journaling + prompt's

n her post, Aileen shared 30 questions for self discovery. I used these questions as daily prompts when I started journaling again. I would spend 10 - 30 minutes each day free wiring the day's prompt. I thought I'd share each entry with you (tidied up a bit, obviously), so you can see how my brain works, and come on this journey of self discovery with me. 

How do I feel at the moment? 

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Right now, I feel okay... I feel awake, which isn't how I usually feel in the morning; usually, I'm drained and headachey. In general, I feel like I have in years; I feel stuck. I have so many dreams, goals, and things I want to do with my life, but no real way of achieving any of them. 

It's been the same for years; I think the reason I feel stuck is rather than focus on the end goal, I've been focused on making money. 

My dream is to own a lifestyle block in the middle of the country, where I can raise animals, and grow fruit and vegetables. Instead of focusing on the house and the life I could build in that house, I've been thinking about money, and all the things (aside from the house), I could buy with it. 

Sometimes, $10 million doesn't seem enough, no wonder I feel stuck. How much money do I really need? I need enough money for a home, money to pay off our debts and to buy seeds so we can grow our own fruit and vegetables and money to raise a baby (if that happens). Sure, it's going to be a lot, but it isn't going to be anywhere near $10 million. 

Things I would like - a new car and some new clothes, but that still doesn't come close to $10 million, I'm not even sure it would come close to 5 (not that I have nearly that much, but still). 

I've realised I've been controlled by stuff; I've bought into this idea that you need to have certain things, or for your house to look a certain way to be considered successful. I need to stop associating success with things, because man, I've accumulated so much crap, and I'm nowhere near my goal.

I used to be so good at saving, and not needing to buy every little thing, I need to tap into that again and reconnect with the part of me that didn't need things to feel accomplished. I need to connect with the part of me that trusted my intuition and wasn't swayed by the views of others (I'm not going to lie I've bought some ugly ass, expensive clothing items, because I went shopping with someone else, and they said they loved it). I know that part of me is still there, I can feel and hear her when she sticks her head out sometimes, but I need to let her, all of her, loose. 

I also need to tune into what it is that I actually want, what it is that I want in my heart of hearts, because man, do I feel lost at times. 

My actual wants:

  • Dream home - a four-bedroom home in the country with an orchard, a barn and a paddock (or two). At this home - I want to grow vegetables, herbs, flowers, fruit and raise animals and a family. I want to be as sustainable as I can, and live off the land as much as I can. 
  • My work - I want to be creative; I want to make art and make natural skincare (preferably using the herbs I've grown)
  • Dream car - my husband wants a Tesla (that is part of my dream life because if he has to put up with living in the country, I can make some space for his wants). 

I hope you enjoyed this post, I feel that even though, I tidied it up, it still feels a bit jumbled, but that's me working through my crap, and figuring everything out. In the next 30 days of self discovery post, I'll be talking about "what I need more of in my life".