What's Bothering Me And Why?
What bothers me? MANY things, so many things. Why? Because I need to chill the fuck out sometimes. I'm so anxious, angry and highly strung a lot of the time. I have noticed that since starting my self-discovery journey, I've been getting pissed off and reacting rashly less often. That doesn't mean that I don't get pissed off, but instead of seething and turning into a massive ball of rage, I'm able to take a step back and ask myself why I'm angry and reframe how I'm looking at a particular situation.
Example - my husband has been snoring loudly at night. It irritates the living shit out of because I am a light sleeper. One morning, I realised I need to turn my annoyances into blessings. Yes, it annoys me, but I have a someone wonderful, loving, caring and supportive in my life, and that is more awesome and amazing than the snoring is annoying.
Now that I've established how perfect and amazing I have been at not getting overly annoyed at things that don't matter, let's take a deep dive into things that bother me (I'm taking look at the big things, because this list is going to be short, and the why won't be as simple as 'you need to chill').
- Lack of energy/motivation- I have so many plans/ideas. Sometimes I don't work on them because I'm not motivated, tired, or just don't have the energy. The lack of motivation makes me feel a failure, and that I'm never going to achieve the things I want to achieve.
- My husband's lack of imagination - I love hypothetical scenarios and envisioning our future together, but he is such a realist, and it gets frustrating.
- My lack of libido - I have endometriosis and have had the Mirena inserted. Being on hormonal birth control has killed my libido. I feel bad that I never want to have sex; I feel as if I'm being a bad wife or something. The other option is no birth control, and being immense pain, and not wanting sex anyway, because it hurts too much.
Well, that's telling; aside from the very long list of things that just fuck me right off, the things that bother me are the things that make me feel I've let myself or others down, or that make me feel like I'm being let down.
I know I need to work on being kinder to myself.
I know that if I've got no energy/can't concentrate/work on something, it doesn't mean I'm a failure, or I have bead worth ethic.
If my husband isn't indulging me in my hypothetical situations, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, or that I'm not good enough.
As annoying as a lack of sex life is, it doesn't mean my husband resents me (if anything, he probably resents the endometriosis - I do too).
None of this mean I suck, none of this means I'm a bad person, none of it means I'm not worthy, or not good enough. Which, I guess, is what really bothers me.